My Weekend of Possibiliy

From the post of Ms. Sky Bluez, My Weekend of Possibiliy:

My Weekend of Possibiliy

I must admit that I dreaded this past weekend. It wasn't that I was repeating the Landmark Forum it was knowing that I'd spend three long days (9am - 11pm) in conversation while sitting in a room with uncomfortable chairs. I resisted it as if it was like getting my fingernails pulled out with pliers. Of course, it was hardly like that.

So, what happened? If you want to know the dirty dirty...you'll have to do the Forum yourself...but I'm going to put what I got out of participating in the Landmark Forum.

On Friday...we had to identify our "rackets" or the stories we make up about the things that happen in our lives. The term racket is used in the same manner as the phrase "running a racket" like gangsters do - yanno, the store front covering the underground casino? We also identified areas of our lives where we are being inauthentic.

*clearing my throat*

What I identified as my "rackets" are (in no particular order of importance):

• No one ever listens to me
• I am not appreciated for what I do
• They think that I'm weak
• I can't get it right
• I'm not like them/I don't belong
• I'm a doormat/too nice

Those are the stories that I have made up based on events that have happened through out my life. When I am running these rackets (playing these games), I'm not present to what's going on and there's a breakdown in communication. Of course, none of these rackets are true in reality...it's just the hand that I play.

What I identified as my inauthenticities vary, depending on who I'm inauthentic to. If I had to make a blanket statement about my inauthenticities, it would be that my "main one" is that I'm not self-expressed. What that means is that I don't always say what's on my mind or how I feel especially when I'm asked. That essentially means that in this area, I lie and pretend. What does this do? It makes me miserable and angry because I often do things that I don't want to do. It's also not fair to whomever my inauthenticity is directed to because I'm not being truthful and usually the misery and anger is unfairly directed at them.

Our homework for that evening share a possibility that I've created for myself out of my participation in the LF. In addition we had to write a letter to someone we were being inauthentic to by sharing the inauthenticity, it's impact and the possibility we've created for ourselves.

The letter that I had written was to one of my Sisters...I didn't read the letter to her, but I did get to share my inauthenticity, it's impact, and the possibility that I've created for myself and my life. The conversation that we had was powerful in that I created the possibility of being self-expressed at all times, and that we would recreate a loving relationship as we had (if not better) than before. I was able to share with her how much she and our friendship means to me and that I value her for who she is. I also made a commitment to be fully present and to honor my word. Needless to say, it was a weight lifted from my shoulders. Who knew that being truthful could feel so good?!

During that day, I also made it a point to contact my brother. It's inherent that you love your family, but how many times do we actually say it to one another? As long as I could remember, I had never told my brother that I loved him. My recollection of our interaction is that I'm usually barking and fussing at him. Of course, he's usually barking and fussing back. Nevertheless, we still love each other. I called my brother on Friday afternoon to tell him that I loved him. Initially it was weird and I'm sure he thought that I was smoking something, but I commenced to tell him how much I admired him for being such a brave person. Even though my brother is younger, I never have to worry about him because he knows how to survive. At least he makes it appear that he can survive. At the moment that my brother and I spoke on such an elevated level, we began a new journey of closeness that we've never experienced before. I'm truly grateful for that.

On Saturday, we delved more into what stops us from achieving what we want in life. The take home message is that what happens happens and that's all that happens and that life happens now. We also were asked to identify our "strong suits" those personality traits that make us successful, and where they came from.

What I identified as my strong suits are:

• Reliable
• Affectionate
• Good Listener
• Empathetic
• Thoughtful
• Insightful
• Mature
• Friendly
• Intelligent/Smart

Over time, these are the personality traits that allow me to be successful in life. Something happened in my life that made me decide to develop these traits as defense mechanisms. For example, when I was younger, I was not much of an athlete. I couldn't double dutch very well, I couldn't run very fast, I could never hit a baseball. I was an utter failure in the area of sports. Because of that, I turned to music and academics as a place to divert my energy. It was an area of my life in which I've excelled, thus making intelligence/smart one of my strong suits. That was really basic as intelligence is relative.

On day 2, I also wrote another letter, this time to my Ex. I put it all out there that the reason I ceased communication with him is because I was being selfish and couldn't imagine the thought of being friends with someone I once had a romantic relationship with. I created the possibility of us being friends although we live separate lives. For me, it was liberating. I knew that all he wanted was to remain friends and I acted like a dork. Of course, you need time to get your act together after a break up, but I couldn't see that initially.

Day 3 is really where the meat of the course lies in my opinion. There's conversation about the "meaning" of life as well as sex, money, and love. You can only say so much about those topics. The take away that I got is that life's meaning is what you make it and that love is always around, you just have to be present to it. In regards to sex...it happens or not and that it doesn't mean anything if it doesn't. Pretty simple and common sense right? Of course, but when you're not living in these contexts, these are areas are easy generators of stress and emotional distress.

I will admit, taking the Landmark Forum is an act of sheer courage and bravery as you become privy to some things in your life that you rather not remember or that you prefer not to address. The reality is that there's nothing to "get" by taking the course in general, but what you "get" may change your view of life. I've heard people's opinion of LF, both people who have and have not taken the course and it's even been called a cult because people are happy and aren't letting bad things that have happened get them down. What they fail to understand is that nothing and everything happens and we give it meaning. Whatever it means to us is how we'll pattern our behavior. Plain and simple, yet not easy.

posted Monday, 19 September 2005